RIACollections: A Thought Catalog

Communication can be the key to maintaining every relationship. It sometimes serves as the foundation for how both parties engaged in the relationship behave and feel. Communication is not limited to talking, it occurs through other mediums such as silence, body language, and tone.

Note: The term relationship is used to describe all kinds of interpersonal relationships i.e. relationships between you and others. It could apply to romantic relationships, platonic relationships, friendships, family relationships, etc.

So, what is communication?

Communication/communicating is a process of exchanging information. It tends to occur between two entities and involves the use of language (sounds), signs, or behaviors.

In interpersonal relationships, communicating can be difficult and complex, which in my experience with some clients, is a result of people not knowing how to communicate. Most people want their needs met and when they are in relationships there is an expectation that the relationship will fulfill all of their needs. What they sometimes forget to understand is that in order to get those needs fulfilled they have to tell the other person. This might seem obvious but it is not.

Consider this example:

A couple had just finished eating dinner and as one partner began clearing the dishes, the other stood up and went to the couch. After a few seconds, the partner clearing the dishes started making louder noises while put the plates in the sink, then they said

“Must be a good show for you to not have picked up your plate”

After a brief silence, the other partner responded with. “Want me to come do it?”

The reply “No, I have done it already.”

After reading that interaction what do you think? Was the partner clear about what they wanted the other to do with their dishes? Do you think the partner clearing the dishes wanted help?

They probably did but the way they communicated was indirect. Do you think they knew? You might say “well they could have been clearer” which is true, but most people aren’t even aware of how they are communicating. If you are one of the many, after reading this post you should know just a bit more about your communication style and how to improve it.

Communication styles

When it comes to communicating there are different ways people communicate. There are 4 basic styles, which are:

• Aggressive communicator
• Passive communicator
• Passive aggressive communicator
• Assertive communicator

These terms are not new, and you might have heard of some of them or even been labeled as such. Do not worry. You can always improve your communication style. You are not stuck with it.

So, what are these communication styles?

• The aggressive communicator is someone who commands. They can be demanding, intimidating, or just flat out aggressive. This communication style has loud voices, arguments, and intensity all over it.
• The passive communicator is well described by the term passive. They do not express themselves when they should and might let things build up till the day they finally explode. This is a very common communication style that can be characterized with lack of confrontations, difficulty saying no, and always feeling unheard.
• The passive-aggressive communicator combines two communication styles. They tend to express themselves in indirect ways. This style can be seen in the example above, where one partner wanted help but made a comment about the TV show. It involves a lack of clear communication, along with inconsistent words and body language.
• The assertive communicator uses open communication. They are direct and express what they intend to express. This communication style respects both parties involved and ensures ownership of feelings and behaviors.

Now that you know a bit more about communication, take a moment to reflect on what your communication style is.

Why is communicating important?

Communication/communicating is a necessary part of being human as we have to communicate with the world around us to get our needs met.

How can I improve my communication?

The first step to improving your communication style is AUTHENTICITY!!

Yes, authenticity.

Being authentic and honest with yourself is a necessary component to improving your communication style. If you want help with the dishes, you must first be honest with yourself and accept that you do want help.

The second step can be slightly difficult at first but becomes smooth sailing with more practice. This step involves you using “I” statements. So instead of saying “you could help me with these dishes” you say “I need help with the dishes”.

Asking for help is not easy. It involves vulnerability and creates a chance for your request to be denied. This is where the third step comes in. Do NOT expect your need/request to be fulfilled. See, just because you are being assertive does not mean the world around you will always respond accordingly. You control your behaviors and reactions, but you cannot control that of others. So, when you choose to communicate assertively and the other person denies your request or invalidates your emotions, take the time to respect the choice you made to be open and direct because that is all you could have done.

Feel free to leave comments and follow for more updates. Good luck practicing assertive communication